


Utterly Unhealthy

by ThatFilmGraduate



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Clingy Sirius Black, Clingy-But-Not-As-Obvious Remus Lupin, Established Relationship, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Insecure Sirius Black, M/M, Remus Lupin is a Good Boyfriend, Sirius Black is a Dramatic Shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26389402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatFilmGraduate/pseuds/ThatFilmGraduate
Summary: Sirius Black overhears some people talking about him and Remus one day and, being the insecure and dramatic Gryffindor that he is, he decides to deal with it himself.Or: Sirius Black is a dramatic shit, Remus Lupin has no idea what's happening, and their relationship is unhealthy in the healthiest way.Remus/Sirius, AU-ish.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 174





	Utterly Unhealthy

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these HP characters or settings.
> 
> Written: September 2020  
> Edited: September 2020

It all started when Sirius Black, in search of a book for his boyfriend, overheard a conversation between two sixth year Ravenclaws in the Library:

"Do you ever think he gets embarrassed?" one asked: a blonde with a nasally voice and a horrid, seemingly perpetual sneer on her face.

"Who?" the other responded: a brunette with a dopey voice and a dopier expression.

"Lupin."

"Why, because of the limp? I don't fink so."

"No," the blonde snapped, "Because of Black."

It was this that made Sirius abandon his search for _Repellents and Other Useful Charms_ and listen in to the conversation properly, leaning against one of the tall bookcases to hear them better.

"Sirius Black is super fit," the brunette pointed out. "Why would Lupin be embarrassed by him?"

"Because Black is so clingy," the blonde replied haughtily. "It must be so annoying. I mean, every time I see Lupin, Black is practically hanging off him and he just looks so done, you know? Like he wishes he were anywhere else."

The brunette took a second to ponder this, and so did Sirius.

He thought about his behaviour around Remus Lupin, his best mate of over six years and boyfriend of seven months, and he couldn't think of a time where he wasn't latched onto the other wizard in some way or other. Even when they were just friends, he would sit in Remus's lap or run his hands through Remus's hair or sleep on Remus's shoulder. He wondered if Remus found that – **him** – annoying. 'Done' was his boyfriend's default expression, but what if it wasn't? What if it was actually because Remus had always found him and his constant touches annoying?

"I suppose," the brunette replied eventually. "But he would stop it, right? If he found it intolerable."

"Would he, though?" the blonde posed sceptically.

The brunette just shrugged in response and Sirius frowned, wondering: would he?

"All I'm saying is that I would be absolutely mortified if Devon acted like that around me," the blonde added. "I don't think I could handle it, to be honest. I mean, could you?"

"No, I suppose it would get exhausting after a while," the brunette acquiesced. There was a second of silence before: "Hey, did you hear about Elisha Vrucings? Her and Gilliam Wiley were caught getting off together in the classroom on the third floor."

"No way!"

As the conversation moved on, so did Sirius.

He moved along the aisle, a deep frown on his handsome face as their words cycled around his brain, bringing out some hitherto unknown insecurities and making him feel and think all sorts of awful things. He quickly found _Repellents and Other Useful Charms_ and checked it out before he left the Library and took a slow walk back to Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

Sirius made it back to the Tower roughly twenty minutes later. He had taken his time on the way back to his House, trying to rationalise and simultaneously ignore the callous anxieties rising within him.

He was not used to such dark and downright cruel thoughts clouding his mind. Not about Remus, anyhow. He had insecurities, of course. Everyone did, and he was not infallible, but he had always been so sure about Remus and their feelings for one another that he had never had cause to wonder. But hearing the opinion of others had given birth to something hideous and sinister: a new fear – one that he certainly didn't need.

Sirius stepped into the common room and paused at the entrance, wondering what to do. He glanced between the stairs to the dormitory (where Remus was studying) and the table in the corner (where James and Peter were trying to build a tower of cards with an explosive stack).

_What to do, what to do, what to do..._

His feet made the decision for him: in a matter of seconds, he was taking a seat at the table. He decided that he needed a second – just to clear his head and maybe get some reassurances from his mates before he saw his boyfriend.

(Sirius knew that if he walked into the dormitory now, Remus would sense something was wrong and would question him, and he really did not want to voice his new concerns to Remus. Not now, at least. Remus already knew so many of his issues, with his family and his self-image, and he didn't want to be a burden, not when the werewolf had to study and could not afford any distractions at the moment. Sirius decided that his petty anxieties were something he could deal with on his own.)

"Do you think I'm annoying?" he asked without preamble, sitting down and placing the Charms book on the table as he stared between his mates and waited for an answer.

"Always," Peter replied easily, and James snickered.

Sirius frowned, because he really should have expected that. "Right, but do you think I'm clingy?"

"Yes," James answered immediately, placing a card very carefully on the stack.

"Oh," Sirius muttered, having not expected that. "Is that bad?"

"I don't know," James shrugged, frowning at the tower as Peter placed another card on. "I mean, we understand why."

"Do you think Remus minds?"

Something must have shown in his voice because James paused and turned to face him, studying him carefully for a second before he responded, "Why are you asking us this?"

Peter turned away from the tower as well and asked, "Where has this even come from? You only left to get a book, what happened?"

Sirius glanced between them and debated his options: tell them what had happened and get the truth from them or tell them that nothing happened, return to the dorm and pretend everything was fine. He decided on the former and explained:

"I was getting this book from the Library for Remus and I heard some girls talking. About us, and how Remus should be embarrassed by me because I'm too clingy and I'm always touching him."

"Moony doesn't mind you touching him," Peter replied.

"No, the noises we hear at night are enough to confirm that," James agreed with a dramatic shudder that made Sirius roll his eyes (because he and Remus mainly cuddled at night – and when they did get down to business, the others were either not present or Silencing Charms were used, thank you very much).

Peter grinned and added, "Right. Besides, he'd say something if he didn't like it, right?"

"Wait, do you think Remus minds?" James asked.

Sirius took a second to think about it before he said, "I don't know. He sighs sometimes, whenever I pester him. But I always thought that it was just because I interrupted his studying time."

"Well, maybe it is?"

"But what if it isn't?" Sirius countered. "What if he is embarrassed by me and he doesn't actually like it when I force him to cuddle with me? What if he has never liked it and that's why he doesn't look any different? What if he's just being too nice – too **Moony** about it to say anything?"

"Hold on, Padfoot—" Peter tried to interrupt.

"I don't want to stop touching him," Sirius added, frowning. "But I don't want to be annoying or make him do something he doesn't actually want to do. The last thing I want is for Moony to be humiliated because I refuse to leave him alone in public."

"Wait, Sirius—" James attempted, but Sirius continued:

"I'll just have to keep my hands to myself when we're around other people. Maybe he'll feel better then? Maybe he won't get annoyed with me."

"Padfoot, he's not annoyed with you now," Peter reasoned.

"You don't know that," he retorted. "You know how Moony is: he's a bloody closed book with spiky edges that bite. Who knows how he's really feeling?"

"I really think you should talk to him first, mate," James said. "He doesn't seem to mind the constant touching, and he **really** doesn't seem annoyed with you."

Sirius shook his head obstinately. "No, if I ask, he'll say that he doesn't mind, but he does," he replied. "I know he does. He must. I mean, he's never been one for Public Displays of Affection, and I practically force him to hold my hand and hug me whenever we're in public. He minds, he just doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth."

"Sirius..."

"Thanks, Prongs, Wormtail," Sirius grinned, though his heart wasn't in it. "You've helped me sort some things out." He stood up and grabbed the book from the table, resolving to drop it off in the dormitory and then bother someone else for the next few hours. "I'd best get this to Moony. Then I think I'll annoy Red for a bit."

With that, he left, ignoring the conversation as he headed for the staircase...

_"Do you think we should do something?" Peter asked, unsure._

_"Nah, let them sort it out," James answered._

* * *

And so began Sirius Black's attempts to be less clingy and less annoying.

The next morning, he woke up and got dressed quickly before he headed down to the Great Hall with James and Lily. Remus and Peter were already at the table, and Sirius saw his first opportunity to be Not Annoying: instead of sitting beside Remus as he usually did, he took the spare seat next to James and Lily. Remus frowned but said nothing and ate his breakfast whilst he quietly read the Daily Prophet. Sirius participated in friendly chatter with the others and filled his plate but ate only a slice of toast, not feeling all that hungry suddenly.

After breakfast, he and the others went to their lessons. First was Arithmancy with Remus and Lily, and Sirius found his second opportunity: usually he would sit between Remus and Lily, but today he opted to sit on the end, leaving Lily to sit in the middle and Remus on the other side. (He studiously ignored the strange looks he was getting from Remus and some others in the class who were used to him practically sitting in Remus's lap for the duration of the lesson.)

Other classes went well since he had nothing else with the werewolf.

When dinner rolled around, Sirius was feeling unusually heavy. He was not used to such little affection. He was not used to keeping his hands or his lips to himself. It was absolutely exhausting, keeping himself in check whenever the werewolf was around! But he was hopeful that it would get easier.

He grabbed the seat next to James, opposite Remus and Peter again, and the Marauders talked about nothing of importance throughout the meal. Sirius ate little, still not feeling hungry, and when the bell rang, he left the Hall and made his way to Care of Magical Creatures. He didn't make it very far, though, as he was stopped in the courtyard:

"Sirius, wait," Remus halted him, his hand wrapped around Sirius's bicep. It was the most touching he and Remus had done all day and it made him feel a little lighter; a little warmer; a little more like his old self. Remus frowned and added, "What's going on? Are you okay?"

"What?" Sirius asked absently before he realised what the other student had asked and answered, "Oh, I'm fine."

Remus's frown did not falter and the werewolf squinted, as if that would help him puzzle out Sirius's strange behaviour. "Are you sure?" he wondered. "It's just, you've been acting weird all day."

"No I haven't," Sirius refuted.

"Have I done something wrong?" Remus continued. "Are you mad at me or something?"

Sirius shook his head, feeling a bit guilty but not sure why. "No, why would I be?"

"I don't know," Remus shrugged, "You've just been... weird."

Sirius smiled and placed a hand on Remus's, giving it a gentle squeeze (because, yes, he was trying not to be so touch-demanding in public, but Remus started it, so why not allow himself a second to touch and appreciate?). He leaned in and planted a quick kiss on the corner of Remus's mouth before he pulled back and stepped away.

"Everything is fine, Moony," he stated, and some tension drained out of his boyfriend's shoulders. "I promise. I've got to go, but I'll see you later."

Remus nodded and said, "Sure."

Sirius offered another smile before he headed to his lesson, a smile lingering on his lips as he remembered the feeling of Remus's hands on him and the chaste kiss they had just shared. Only a few more hours, he reminded himself. Only a few more hours and then they would be in the dormitory where he could hug and kiss and do whatever he wanted.

The rest of the day passed without incident and it was, to put it nicely, utterly shite.

Sirius was not used to not touching Remus. He was used to holding Remus's hand and tracing his scars carefully. He was used to running his fingers through Remus's hair and messing it up. He was used to ambushing Remus on the couch and wrapping around the werewolf like a vine on a tree. He was **not** used to sitting next to James at mealtimes or only touching Remus when the other student initiated it, or when they were in the dormitory. He hated it. He hated keeping his distance. He hated keeping his hands to himself. He hated missing someone who was in the same bloody room.

But then he remembered why he was doing this: so that he could keep Remus Lupin in his life.

The gossiping Ravenclaws were right: he was clingy and annoying and normal couples did not touch each other nearly as much as he touched Remus.

Sirius did not want to lose Remus. He didn't want to annoy his boyfriend to the point where Remus couldn't stand his presence anymore. He didn't want to embarrass Remus in front of others by being overly touchy and by forcing Remus to hug him. He didn't want to irritate Remus because he was by his side at all times. It wasn't healthy, the amount of love and attention he needed from the werewolf, but he didn't much care because _it was Remus_ , but the last thing he wanted – the absolute worst thing that could happen was that Remus decided he was Too Much and left him for someone who was less trouble.

So, Sirius allowed himself to be with Remus behind closed doors, and he decided to keep up with his plan to be a normal person who was Not Clingy and Less Annoying.

* * *

And so the rest of the week followed much the same pattern:

Sirius would wake up, go to lessons, sit next to James or Lily or Peter; he would sit beside Remus in the common room or in the dormitory but he would make sure to keep a respectable distance between them and he would keep his hands and lips to himself unless Remus prompted contact; he would ignore the odd looks he would receive from Remus, the confused mutterings he would hear from Peter, the whispered conversations he would see happening between James and Lily; he pretended that everything was fine, that he didn't feel awful every second of every day, that he didn't feel actual pain every time he stopped himself from reaching for his boyfriend; he evaded Remus's (and Lily's) attempts to discuss his abnormal behaviour; he soldiered on and acted like everything was normal.

It was perhaps the worst seven days of his life. He got little sleep, ate little food, and felt like utter shite every day. He was in the dormitory by himself when his Plan finally fell apart:

"Sirius, I've had enough," Remus stated, finding him after lessons had finished for the day. "I'm done. I need you to stop this."

Sirius felt his heart drop and he tried not to read into Remus's words. He sat up on his bed and asked for clarification in the form of: "What?"

Remus dropped his bag on the floor and shut the door before he moved across the room to stand in front of Sirius. "I want you to stop it," he repeated.

"Stop what?" Sirius asked, confused.

"This!" Remus gesticulated wildly. "This... whatever it is. You, sitting in the dorm when we're all in the common room. You, avoiding me and pretending that everything is fine when it is so very clearly not. Just stop it."

Sirius swallowed nervously and replied, "I don't know what you mean, Moony."

Remus scoffed. "Don't be a prick," he muttered. "I'm not an idiot. Something is very obviously wrong. I just want to know what it is so that I can fix it."

Sirius frowned, actually confused because it sounded like his boyfriend thought it was his fault, which was absolutely ridiculous because it wasn't; it was _his_ fault for being Too Much, not Remus's.

Remus sighed and sat down next to Sirius. "Look, whatever I did, I'm sorry," he said, hazel eyes bright and attentive. "Just tell me what I did wrong and I'll stop it. I promise. I just want you back, Padfoot."

Sirius shuffled forward and clenched his fists to avoid reaching out. "You didn't do anything wrong, Moony."

Remus frowned and studied him carefully for a long second before he asked, "Well, then why are you being like this? Avoiding me, kissing me once a day, sleeping in your own bed, not... not touching me. If it's not something I did, then what is it?"

"It's..." Sirius hesitated, because now that he thought about it – actually thought about it – he realised his recent behaviour was perhaps a little overdramatic. He had just stopped being himself around Remus and had expected that to, what? Make Remus like him more? "I just – Last week, I heard these girls in the Library. They were saying..."

"What?"

Sirius sighed and explained, "They were talking about us and they were saying how mortified you must be to have me as a boyfriend because I'm so clingy and I'm always touching you and you always look so done."

"But... that's just the way I look," Remus pointed out.

"I know," he replied. "But... You sigh."

"I what?"

"Whenever I touch you in public, you sigh," he stated, grey eyes attached to the crimson bedspread as his cheeks heated up with embarrassment. He didn't like showing Remus how insecure he was. He knew that the werewolf would never judge him, but that didn't mean he liked being so vulnerable in front of someone who was so important to him. "And you tut sometimes. Or you roll your eyes. And I wondered if maybe they were right, that I do annoy you and embarrass you, and I was just... trying not to do that."

Remus was silent for a moment, as if digesting the information, before he sighed and took ahold of Sirius's hands, stopping them from picking at the bedspread. Sirius looked up and stared at his boyfriend warily.

"I'm sorry, Padfoot," Remus started. "I don't — I never meant... Sirius, I'm not embarrassed by you. I could never be embarrassed by you. I've been friends with you for years – to be perfectly honest, I don't think it's possible for me to get embarrassed anymore. Not after that time you dared me to streak across the Lake and Sprout caught me."

Sirius's mouth twitched at the memory.

"And listen, everyone annoys me," Remus added. "But you don't. Well, I mean, you do. But not because you touch me all the time. Look, what I'm trying to say is that I don't mind being annoyed by you. I love you, you idiot."

"But—"

"Sirius, listen to me," Remus interrupted, and something in his eyes made Sirius shut his mouth. "We are both extremely fucked up. I mean, like, not even ten years of therapy or magic could fix us. But we don't need fixing because we have each other." He paused and looked down at their hands, his thumbs moving in soothing circles on the backs of Sirius's hands. "I like it when you latch onto me. It makes me feel... I don't know. Important, I guess; like I'm safe somehow; like you believe I can protect you." He returned his eyes to Sirius's and added, "You are clingy – but I need that. I need to know that you need me as much as I need you. It's utterly unhealthy, this co-dependency we have, but it's who we are, and I don't think that's going to change. Not anytime soon, at least... I don't want you to stop touching me, Sirius. I just want you to be you. And if I need space, I'll tell you. I've had no issues telling you to bugger off in the past, why would that change now?"

Sirius worried his lip and thought about Remus's words. "So... If I were to invade your personal space whilst you were reading or studying, you wouldn't object?"

"Depends on how good the book is," Remus quipped.

"Moony..."

"Of course not," Remus answered seriously. "In fact, I don't know if you noticed, but I rather enjoy you invading my personal space. I've actually missed it this week and I don't... Listen, boundaries have never been a problem before, so why would they be now? Fuck what anyone else says. You're clingy, sure, but so am I. I'm just a bit more subtle about it."

Sirius thought about this before he asked, "So you won't get annoyed by me if I force you to hold my hand?"

"No," Remus answered sincerely.

"And you won't be embarrassed if I climb all over you in public?"

"No."

"And you won't be angry if I kiss you in the common room?"

"No."

"And you won't—"

"Padfoot," Remus interrupted with a grin, "I promise, if I ever find you irritating or anything like that, I will tell you to pack it in immediately, okay?"

Sirius returned the grin and nodded, "Okay."

Then, because he could, because he was allowed to, he leaned in and planted a soft kiss on Remus's lips. When he pulled back, he shared a smile with his werewolf. Then Remus spoke:

"Hey, next time your insecurities start clawing at you, will you please come and talk to me before something like this happens again?" he requested. "Just... well, this was bloody exhausting and I don't fancy going through it again."

Sirius laughed and promised, "I'll try."

"Good, thank you."

Sirius took a second to study his boyfriend, subtle in his beauty but the definition in his mind, then he blurted, "Hey, I love you, you know?"

Remus smiled and gave his hand a comforting squeeze. "I know," he said. "I love you too. More than anything."

Sirius felt a familiar warmth settle in his chest and the heavy feeling that had plagued him for the past week evaporated, the space instantly filled with the knowledge that Remus loved him – even if he was annoying and insecurity-ridden.

"Come on," Remus said, standing up and pulling Sirius with him. "James and Pete wanted to discuss a prank on the Ravenclaws and I think they need our help."

"Ravenclaws?" Sirius asked. "I'm in."

Remus grinned and dragged him out of the dormitory.

Half an hour later, as they were sitting in the common room, Sirius and Remus occupying one armchair, squished up together whilst James and Peter sat on a large three seater, Sirius ignored the looks he and Remus were getting, because Remus didn't mind, so why should he?

It started with Sirius Black overhearing a conversation between two Ravenclaws in the Library and it ended with him not giving a fuck what they thought.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Moral of the story: What Ifs will make you act like a lunatic.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
